Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Send us your Text From Last Night!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.