You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for