Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500