I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
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a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer