I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness