too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We are all done wearing pants today
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed