Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.