Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.