The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number