Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?