remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls