Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
me + whiskey = a bad person
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
