My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
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Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
The maid of honor just puked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
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Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?