My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
The maid of honor just puked.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?