Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.