Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dating After Heartbreak
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands