I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."