he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it's like iHOP with fire
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.