I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.