got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
two words...techno handjob
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....