it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
two words...techno handjob
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....