ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
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based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
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Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.