my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.