He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.