It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.