"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom