Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.