some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it