He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.