i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair