Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
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Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.