The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
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how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.