do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday