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Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
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