He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.