If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
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She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive