i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.