I'm too high and old for this...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I pour the whiskey from now on