Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.