just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.