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Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS