Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.