I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.