so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
found the other keg... it's in the tree
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night