Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.