hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married