This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.