You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW