I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.