I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that