ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.