Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
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omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.