Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Nevada (702)

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  And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

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  (702): And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse http://tfl.nu/oibh
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  i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"

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  (702): i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower" http://tfl.nu/j2hm
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  the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from

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  (702): the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from http://tfl.nu/ac6d
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  So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am

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  (702): So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am http://tfl.nu/tj8n
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  Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.

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  (702): Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home. http://tfl.nu/nbuo
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  I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds

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  (702): I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/4g7g
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  I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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  (702): I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century. http://tfl.nu/3h7h
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  if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases

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  (702): if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases http://tfl.nu/a7z7
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  Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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  (702): Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes". http://tfl.nu/tjre
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  shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?

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  (702): shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant? http://tfl.nu/i5gg
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  can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

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  maybe shoes and water too

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  oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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  (702): can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt (702): maybe shoes and water too (702): oh and maybe a noose to hang myself http://tfl.nu/qxrs
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  We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.

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  (702): We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside. http://tfl.nu/zfn8
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  He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...

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  (702): He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried... http://tfl.nu/88kq
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  It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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  (702): It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life. http://tfl.nu/mba1
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  It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.

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  (702): It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B. http://tfl.nu/uw83
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