I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
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im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.