i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5