i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5