Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning